Its been over a year since I last posted on this blog...
Truth is,
I have not written anything anywhere else ever since, it has been snowing in my
heart.
My
fireplace (my heath) snuffed out completely, no speck of fire left – My Dad passed!
I lost the Man who fed me with a love
so strong – second only to God – My Paddy, my Dad!
How do you articulate from a frozen
heart, from a "warmth-less" place?
We said our last goodbyes on the
last day of 2011- it was tearful-
I knelt (me and my son before his “prayer
place”), he always knelt me there whenever I was to leave home – for school and
later for marriage, to another town … whenever I had to leave, the ritual will
take place. He’d pray in our native language (ibibio), both his palms on my head and
with such authoritative voice, I was sure that God was proud of him each time.
This time I was to leave after
spending my last Christmas with him- December 2011. He took me and my son to
his room. He could barely walk, but ever the strong man, he throttled on.
Knelt and our heads bowed… he barely
started to pray when we all started crying uncontrollably. He held us and went
on praying, this time weeping along. He ended the prayer asking God to bless me
for “making his life so beautiful, being more than he ever thought he could
deserve” – he said I should “never think that I will want for anything good, because
I have done my part honouring and loving him and I will be bountifully rewarded”–
he was grateful too for my son – “his first grandchild whom he loved
passionately” and my daughter – we cried so hard, it attracted my mum from
another room.
A lot more happened before we left
and even though my mum attempted to dispel my voiced fear that I may never see
him again, I was sure as was my 5 year old boy that I ‘ll never see him face to
face again – because when pillars wish to fall, the ground starts to crack.
Through the first 20 days of January
2012 we chatted atleast twice a day as usual, gossiping, laughing, planning,
hoping and unreserved in our voicing of our love and our fears. As the days
went on, the chats became shorter, and then on the 20th of January, he
switched off his phones and was admitted into the teaching hospital. I should
have gone home, we always planned that I’ll be there. We even planned that when
he died, since he is my person, he’ll come and tip me on the real truth about
what happens after (he had said he isn’t promising on that one but I hoped he
will oblige me as he always did).
Fast forward all the dark days, 26th
January 2012– 3 a.m, I could not sleep, I was shivering on a humid morning and
then the phone beeped – I KNEW!
What I was to read- my mum’s words
always poetic, lacked its usual grandeur for the first time – it was
understandable, she was announcing the passing of the greatest person in her
life (I mean that literally, they were amazing to watch together) – “your
father, my husband passed this morning by 1 .am”.
The light deemed in my heart- the
colour of words faded and it happened for the first time - I forgot to think. I
have since tried to recapture my thoughts and fan the flames in my heart but….
Time is a friend, I hear…wordlessly I
have watched 2012 pass and now I want to do the thing that hopeful people do –
to try again- hopefully, in my rambling, I will make friends with words again.
My tribute, I’m told will be my
release – so this will be my next post- “My Tribute to a Father’s Love”.
The experiences of life are like
heady wine- sweet, sometimes biting, sometimes it leaves us with a headache-
what is left for me these days is a gratefulness for a love that had no
reserves …an opportunity to have be fathered by such a man, and for all the
sweet memories I have left to cuddle.
Let us love while we live – it is
the only way. When we are done, let us leave behind sweet memories, the only
true rainbows of life.
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