"Wordless 2012"

Forgive me  for I have sinned,
Its been over a year since I last posted on this blog...

Truth is, I have not written anything anywhere else ever since, it has been snowing in my heart.

My fireplace (my heath) snuffed out completely, no speck of fire left – My Dad passed!

I lost the Man who fed me with a love so strong – second only to God – My Paddy, my Dad!

How do you articulate from a frozen heart, from a "warmth-less" place?

We said our last goodbyes on the last day of 2011- it was tearful-

I knelt (me and my son before his “prayer place”), he always knelt me there whenever I was to leave home – for school and later for marriage, to another town … whenever I had to leave, the ritual will take place. He’d pray in our native language (ibibio), both his palms on my head and with such authoritative voice, I was sure that God was proud of him each time.

This time I was to leave after spending my last Christmas with him- December 2011. He took me and my son to his room. He could barely walk, but ever the strong man, he throttled on.

Knelt and our heads bowed… he barely started to pray when we all started crying uncontrollably. He held us and went on praying, this time weeping along. He ended the prayer asking God to bless me for “making his life so beautiful, being more than he ever thought he could deserve” – he said I should “never think that I will want for anything good, because I have done my part honouring and loving him and I will be bountifully rewarded”– he was grateful too for my son – “his first grandchild whom he loved passionately” and my daughter – we cried so hard, it attracted my mum from another room.

A lot more happened before we left and even though my mum attempted to dispel my voiced fear that I may never see him again, I was sure as was my 5 year old boy that I ‘ll never see him face to face again – because when pillars wish to fall, the ground starts to crack.

Through the first 20 days of January 2012 we chatted atleast twice a day as usual, gossiping, laughing, planning, hoping and unreserved in our voicing of our love and our fears. As the days went on, the chats became shorter, and then on the 20^th of January, he switched off his phones and was admitted into the teaching hospital. I should have gone home, we always planned that I’ll be there. We even planned that when he died, since he is my person, he’ll come and tip me on the real truth about what happens after (he had said he isn’t promising on that one but I hoped he will oblige me as he always did).

Fast forward all the dark days, 26^th January 2012– 3 a.m, I could not sleep, I was shivering on a humid morning and then the phone beeped – I KNEW!

What I was to read- my mum’s words always poetic, lacked its usual grandeur for the first time – it was understandable, she was announcing the passing of the greatest person in her life (I mean that literally, they were amazing to watch together) – “your father, my husband passed this morning by 1 .am”.

The light deemed in my heart- the colour of words faded and it happened for the first time - I forgot to think. I have since tried to recapture my thoughts and fan the flames in my heart but….

Time is a friend, I hear…wordlessly I have watched 2012 pass and now I want to do the thing that hopeful people do – to try again- hopefully, in my rambling, I will make friends with words again.

My tribute, I’m told will be my release – so this will be my next post- “My Tribute to a Father’s Love”.

The experiences of life are like heady wine- sweet, sometimes biting, sometimes it leaves us with a headache- what is left for me these days is a gratefulness for a love that had no reserves …an opportunity to have be fathered by such a man, and for all the sweet memories I have left to cuddle.

Let us love while we live – it is the only way. When we are done, let us leave behind sweet memories, the only true rainbows of life.

The Perfect Angle...

A dear friend asked me how it is that I can take such beautiful pictures of ordinary things – “how do you turn people into gold with a snap shot”? she asked.

I do not photoshop them and I am really just an amateur who has a love so deep for all things living…

I told her the truth- that I see the magical angle to the dullest living thing and it is really not an effort – it is a gift!

You see, there is an angle to everything and everyone in this life that never goes wrong… your own perfect angle - it is not fixed or generic, it is just yours to find.

For me, the best assets are the ones I look out to emphasize. It may be a little tilt of my neck, a little bend or just a face forward pose – you can find yours if you look out for it.

My perfect angle is characterised by so many things – calm, sheerpeace,sometimes abandon – there is a perfect angle to my face as to my life, I just take a deep breath, let go of my inner struggles, tilt my head away from the imperfect and click! I have the right angle and it is beautiful!

There are really pretty angles to the lives we are living right now no matter how tough it seems – one only needs to find them! When you find them –your poses will be the most beautiful and your life will be as “photogenic” to others as it will be to you.

You must have seen that man who is eager to see what today looks like, how light reflects on clear flower petals and what shades are the blue in the sky. That man will give everything for just one stare at the marvels he is surrounded with and yet cannot access - something so easy for you and I. To add to the injury, you just bought new shades to frame your eyes from the colour of life – the colour of hope!

… And more often than not, I take a walk around my home and wonder how free and liberating it is to move around – to take Steps of Hope, to know that without a doubt, I will reach where I am going- each step sipping my troubles away… and I think to myself, this is a great angle to my life- I can walk away my fears… I have legs and vigour and most definitely bounce!

If there is a troubling angle to your life- an area that you are struggling with, just remember that there is another angle that flatters you and all you have to do is just discover it, take the pose and smile – whether you do it with your mouth open or not, does not matter a bit – it is just great that you have found the right angle for your life photo-shot!

Now, finding your angle may need a few failed poses before your mirror – you may even be discouraged at the outcome a few first times but I can assure you that will a little squint, a certain smile and a few stares at your reflection in your private corner, you will most definately discover what angle of life suits you best– what your perfect pose is and when you do, I charge you to take your shots.

Glory in your golden angles while you live and soon enough you will forget the imperfections.

Alright then...get ready for a perfect photo–shot,
Click! … yayyyhhhh its your picture perfect day!


Luminously yours...

PM Dawn - I'd Die Without You

How To Be Alone

Dear Wana,

I don’t remember the last time I received a letter. Sealed envelope, a stamp, well sketched handwriting (always had to be your best writing), I even had a bright red kiss stamp on one – such glorious days long gone, the days before email happened and text messages rudely took over.

I remember with smiles, my best letter ever. It was from my brother and I was all alone and miserable in a boarding school. My brother, he is a miracle! He took out a dictionary and spent a whole night writing me a most famous letter.  

The Mail Attendant arrived with a bulk of letters to my class – JS 2 E and I decided to practice an exercise on faith that I had only learnt the Sunday before. Just before hope failed me, I heard my name announced and I did my best not to look surprise, rushed on forward to get the letter, I would have literally wept if it was a mistake – not mine.

How I felt like a Princess- someone thought of me me and wrote me a letter! Close to my class seat, I tore it open and unfolded it hungrily, my eyes dived straight to the sender’s name –and it was my brother.

The letter was short and the most memorable I have ever read till date. I did not understand even two sentences of the famous letter at the time – such lines as ‘...the skyrocketing menace of our Nation’s economy is precipitous..” How the Nation’s economy affected my 9 year old brother, I guess I’ll never know.

It didn’t matter anyway, the words from him were precious, hilarious and so heartfelt – I cried all the way! He ended the letter in a much ordinary note, in his exact words- the words I can never forget  “...the house is empty because of you – empty.”

That letter gave me an unquantifiable joy – the kind I can never explain - It was thoughtful, totally unexpected and it made me believe again. It was an act of charity and it “saved” me!

There are many things that tug at our heartstrings...a lot of them bear the simple thoughtfulness of another who recalls your kind act of six (6) years ago and called you up just to thank you again, or how you said a prayer during another person's dark night...

There is always a blessing in the love we share. Unreserved, unadorned simple acts of love will never ever grow old fashioned. That kind that smiles cheerfully and with gratitude at a nanny who works the whole day and all through the week with silent, hopeful thoughts that she alone bears; the kind that seeks out the frown in an unadorned colleagues and tells him he is a joy to have around...that kind that blows a kiss at another who is hungry for a word of affection – such give-aways always on non – promo days - these are joys that bless the day and turn the dull routine of others into their miracles.

So I urge you to write a note today – an unreserved one to someone who has added colour to your existence...better still,  add colour to another person’s day with a sweet little note of love - It will illuminate the world!

ATTACHMENT

"Here is the source of every human suffering ...to see as permanent, what is in essence, passing!"-
Anthony De- Mello.

There lived a man, who cared not for possessions, approvals, titles, companions...not anything! Yet he was the most loving man on earth. He'd let you stand on his feet and dance, he will help you with your dozen bags all the time smiling, he'd visit you at the clinic, be there when you call him...he would even laugh with you in the middle of the worst crises you face and yet, he was always ready to pack his bags and move on, no prejudice, no fuzz, NO REGRETS! He very often said - "I travel light".

You see, the origin of suffering is Attachment!
Look deeply into your life, the times you have cried, the heartbreaks, the bad taste, what was the cause of it all? You either had a strong desire which you identified with, or you had a pleasure which was no more pleasurable. You simply allowed yourself to be encumbered by life's baggages.

Life is transcient and the things we "have" are impermanent!
The things we see all around us come into existence and the fade away...friends, cars, beauty, houses, everything will pass away.
Our social status, intellectual achievements, and fame – these too shall pass! Even the greatest man is just a page in a history book...
 Everything Passes!

Let us realise the need to fuzz less and enjoy more
To not let life pass us by while we attach to something or someone who had moved on
To let us love the ones we are entrusted with, without suffocating them with our emotions
To let us listen to the symphony of life and stop picking out an instrument in the lot of it all, to attach to...

My take is, discover the sweetness in the simple things of life
In the midst of your sorrow, remember that you have a heart that pumps
Discover the refreshing taste of water, the feel of a newly started smile breaking into your eyes
Enjoy what life gives and by all means, leave it behind gracefully for another sunrise.

Do you have fame, glitter! all the while remembering that it will pass...
Are you in pain, moan knowing it will pass...
Do you love, enjoy its pleasures, knowing it will pass....
Everything will pass - this, that and me
cut the strings that hold you captive and savour with freedom the life that you have been entrusted with... in the end, the question to ask is - how much of life did I allow to pass me by!